Yesterday my son turned four. No grand birthday party for him this year, like when he turned three.
With his birthday on a Monday, we had a family get together for lunch with my parents, brother and sister and their partners on Sunday.
For his actual birthday, we asked what he wanted to do and Mummy and Daddy would make it happen.
At his request, he wanted to take his first train ride ever, as well as go to Max Brenner‘s for chocolate. After that, he wanted to go back to the same playground we went to the day before.
It was quite beautiful to just spend the day with him, just the three of us. It gave me quiet pause to think about how much he has changed our lives since being part of it. And as I watched him play and dance and just be so happy, I thought about how much he has changed.
It has been four wonderful years having him in my life.
After a long and exhausting day for all, as I hugged him in the dark while he fell asleep, I was overcome with emotion as I remembered the time when I found out I was pregnant with him.
When I saw the pink lines indicating a positive result, my heart stopped. I wasn’t expecting it to be positive. I didn’t feel pregnant at all.
I couldn’t be pregnant… Because if I were, I was just so unprepared for such a life-changing event. I mean, I have always wanted a baby and have looked forward to it, but just not in the circumstances I was in at the time.
I was in complete shock. From the bathroom I called out to my husband who wasn’t my husband then, yet: “Baby …”
He said as soon as he heard me call out, he just knew it was positive. He walked into the bathroom and found me reading the instruction pamphlet that came in the box of the pregnancy test kit.
Maybe I read the instructions wrong and the pink line meant it was negative. But no.
He carried me into the room because I was just frozen. Then I burst into uncontrollable tears and between each sob I said the things I feared.
“What am I going to do? I have nothing to offer this child?”
That’s right. I had nothing.
I had no money and I didn’t even have a job yet. It had already been two months since we arrived from London where I lived and worked for a year-and-a-half. But I came back with no savings and I hadn’t started applying for jobs.
“We’re not even married yet …”
I did what I vowed never to do; make the same mistake my parents did by getting pregnant accidentally before being married.
“My life is in a shambles …”
At 32, I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything worthwhile in my life. I was going to buckle down and get my career as a journalist back on track after doing non-journalistic work at Amnesty International in London.
But he came, my beautiful son. He was the love and light in my life in an instant.
And I always wanted a boy for my first born too. So I guess I’ve always wanted him, but it just wasn’t the right time.
I had nothing to give him then. Nothing in the ways of wealth or material things. All I had was my time and my love. My love, most of all.
Four years on and not much has changed.
The tears ran down my cheeks as I thought about this. Four years on and nothing has changed. I had nothing to offer him then except for all the love in the world.
And I still have nothing to offer him now in terms of material wealth, but I have all the love in the universe just for him.