I pride myself in being able to use my mind to make decisions after assessing what my heart feels. It is rational and logical to have this synergy between my mind and heart, because this means that I can hide the emotional part and only show the controlled side…. it’s balanced, right? And therefore better, correct?
Now I’m not so sure that’s true. All my adult life I thought that I was strong for being able to hide my true feelings and put on a brave face even when I’m falling apart or absolutely broken inside. That I can change my feelings through rational thought then behave like everything is fine, when someone has made me inadvertently feel angry, unwanted, unloved, disrespected, devalued etc. Name whatever negative thing you can think of that someone is able to make you feel. That takes a strong heart and mind, right?
The last few weeks have seen me musing a lot on my writing. What writing projects to choose, what topics to write about, how to write about it, which audience to write to… the list goes on.
Then a thought occurred to me; I can’t write about a lot of things the way I want to write about them unless I open up. For someone who built the foundation of their self-assuredness and confidence on being able to hide my vulnerability, this is extremely daunting. But when the notion came, my mind just wouldn’t let go of it. And the idea is now fully conceptualised.
To be fully in touch with the writer within and be the kind of writer who comes from a genuine place, I must invite my reader into my world, into myself. This means leaving myself vulnerable.
Sitting with this thought, I realise it requires me to be even stronger than I’ve ever been. It takes some kind of strength of will to hide your vulnerability, but I think it would take double that, if not more, to have the world see it.
And I think I’m ready to do that… I think. This post is my way of dipping my toe in…